The Refiner’s Fire – Seven Babies in Heaven, Nine Babies on Earth

September, from One September Day (, offered to have me share her journey of motherhood and the loss of seven babies over twenty years with all of you. Her story is directly copied from her own personal blog and, I think, is a beautiful way to end our time of honoring Babylost Mamas. 🙂

My husband and I met on a blind date – and the rest is History! Engaged after three months, and married after one year, 1989 – we were on the road to marital bliss! Or, so we thought! Young and full of an eager desire to start a family, we were excited to find out we were expecting a few months after we were married.

This pregnancy ended with a miscarriage after 6 weeks, and the pain that a young mothers heart endures at this stage was something new to me, and it was raw. Our marriage was built on a Biblical Foundation, and so the Lord gave me comfort thru this time of loss.

Hope renewed, we discovered we were expecting again 6 months later, and the excitement turned to severe morning sickness, that lasted all day, with severe hydration. The Dr,’s prescribed medicine to combat the sickness, and at 16 weeks, we returned to the Dr. for the scheduled ultrasound.

It was here that we were told to come back 4 weeks later to follow up on a few things.

My husband was not able to return with me to this appt. and so a close friend of mine came along for support. She sat patiently in the waiting room, not knowing that just down the hall, the worst news a mommy could hear were being given to me.

The Dr. asked me to sit down in his office while he told me that our baby had no kidneys, that they could see, and that she would not be born alive, if she made it far into the pregnancy at all.

He referred us to a specialist, and that was all he had to say.

I remember walking out of the office, completely drowning in sadness, and not even able to speak to my friend, or look at the rest of the expecting moms in the waiting room.

They gave us a choice – jump start labor, and “save ourselves” from unnecessary grief,, OR, carry her to term and “hope” for the best.

The drive home was as if I was outside of my body. I can remember looking at all of the people in the cars driving past me, with what seemed that had no care in the world, and I was alone – mentally checking out of this pregnancy.

We chose to carry our little girl to term. We had many prayers surrounding us the entire time. I received numerous cards of encouragement, and phone calls from many that said they were praying.

But, the grief was deep. Deeper than I ever thought I could feel,, far away from God’s love and comfort. I was keeping Him at arm’s length.

As her birth drew near, a particular Hymn became dear to my Heart – Nearer, Still Nearer.

She was born on October 10, 1990, after a long and painful labor. Breech position, no fluid – but a perfectly formed, beautiful little baby girl, who spent 30 minutes alive in our arms – granting me the largest blessing for that day. She was perfect. We felt the Lord’s presence, the Holy Spirit standing there beside us every bit of those 30 minutes. I was at such peace. We took sweet pictures of her, prayed, and sang, and will always thank the Lord for those precious moments with our Elisabeth.

Her funeral came shortly after, and I will never forget that day. There was such an outpouring of love from those we knew, and even strangers we had never met.

The song, Nearer Still Nearer became a larger part of who I am today.

That day, as we buried our little baby girl to rest, my heart broke into a million pieces. I could not walk away from her grave. I felt as if I was abandoning her – it was all so wrong. A mommy is suppose to comfort and nurture her baby. How can this be?

The Lord had His plans…and I was being molded into a new creation.

Then, why did we again, after this, experience another miscarriage? Only He has the answers, and I have learned His plans are best. He only wants what is good for me. Did I find it through these times?

It is now 1992, and a healthy baby boy was born into our arms. This pregnancy brought its own set of complications, but our Benjamin came home with us. Vibrant, and bringing a JOY that I can never explain. Every moment with a long awaited baby seems to be tri-fold emotion. Thank you Lord.

In 1993, we were again given another baby, a healthy baby girl.

And then in 1995 – another healthy baby boy.

It was in 1996, that we were surprised to find out that we were expecting identical twin boys. My nervousness quickly gave way to excitement. It was strange to me though, that after 16 weeks, my measurements were way off, and I was growing faster than normal. We quickly found out that I was experiencing something called Twin to Twin Transfusion, and our lives were in danger. The twins and mine. I was measuring 40 weeks at 16 weeks, and had to make the trip to the Dr. 2 -3 times a week for quarts of fluid to be drawn off ( amniocentesis).

This was so painful. Physically and emotionally. The pain of every day was almost unbearable. The extra ultrasounds gave us a rare view of our babies growing daily. What a hidden blessing to see them so often. The Dr. informed us that if we were able to carry them to 26 weeks, we would do an early C-Section, and hopefully stabilize them in ICU. Each of our baby boys had their own personality. The little window we had to see them grow allowed us to bond, beyond the movement in the womb. They were so active. The Dr.’s defined them as Baby A and Baby B.. but we named them Luke and Aaron.

Why do I fight the Will of God , when I KNOW He loves me beyond compare? I “fought” this plan daily , as I carried the twins each day. I knew that if my life was in danger, then I might leave my three precious babies without a mommy,, and then if I was ok, then the twins might not make it? Where did my Faith go?

He was refining me.

At week 24, I awoke in the middle of the night to the twins movement, and a battle raged within my heart. “God,, WHY?” I surrendered on my knees that night, asking Him to Have His Will, and give Him the Glory. I love you Lord,, please give me the strength to endure this.”

The next night, something different woke me up. The twins had stopped moving. I knew. I would never see my babies alive. They were resting in His arms. Safe.

After a long and emotionally trying birth, our baby boys were placed in our hands, and we bathed them and gave them our good-byes. It was an exceptionally difficult moment ,, handing them over to be taken from us. So unnatural.

Their funeral was numbing. We were treading water,, waiting for a rescue of time alone.

The healing came slow. Very slow. We both felt as if we had just been through a storm and were weathered beyond repair.

But it came…by His Grace, and Mercy.

He had never left us, and if we didn’t know His love personally, then would have completely drowned in waves of grief. He carried us through.

After the twins were born, we had three little girls, one year apart each.

And then we experienced another miscarriage.

There is something about a loss after such grief – it is almost as if you know what your heart is going to feel, and because we knew that God had never left us before, and so we were able to rest on His promises.
Our baby boy, Sam was born after this miscarriage. Beautiful, and healthy.

Then another Miscarriage.

And then 2 more girls. Oh, how precious they are to us. Sweet. They bring us so much Joy.

The Lord refined me through the 20 years that we have shared in marriage, and I know he will continue to. But, I wouldn’t have it any other way. And I never thought that I would say that. I am only the person that I am today, because of what He brought us through, and How I could find Hope in the Midst of the Storm.
Praise Him with me! ? He is a Mighty Saving God, and Loves us enough to have the very best.

Read more from September about babylost mamas and families:

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