Hi, my name is Rachel and I suffer from Working-Mommy-Guilt (WMG). Yes, I need a support group. No, there isn’t one available…but even admitting that sentence through the anonymity of cyberspace makes me feel shakey inside. Sometimes, my WMG is really bad, like on Sunday after I’ve worked the last 6 days and am about to go back for 5 or 6 more. I honestly have a mental breakdown on those Sundays; I am overcome by my guilt at feeling like I do nothing well, and then that guilt manifests itself as self-hatred. In those moments, I truly despise my own being to its core. I feel like I’m not protecting my daughter when I let other people watch her. I feel like a bad mama when her pediatrician asks questions that I don’t know the answer to, but that any mama who’s home with her baby every day would know. I feel like I have no control over anything. WMG is not a nice place to be, friends.
I have bad dreams involving my daughter being taken away by well meaning people, and me just standing there watching, knowing the whole time that she is supposed to be in my arms and that I wasn’t supposed to let her go. I’ve dreamt that she’s said her first word and taken her first step while at her Grandma’s house. In real life, I whisper to her every morning that I love her, will miss her so terribly throughout the day, and that I’m sorry I have to leave her. And I also add that she is NOT allowed to do any growing up until after 4pm when I’m home again!
I am, however, comforted by the fact that God has a purpose for my life including what’s going on right now. I take courage in knowing that this won’t be forever and that I can take steps towards change. I’m learning to love my husband more each day, seeing his relationship with our daughter grow and flourish because he’s able to spend so much time with her. It still hurts, though, and it remains impossibly hard to see myself in the way that I should.
Where are the other women who suffer from WMG? What causes yours? Is there a cure?