Easy ways to eat real food

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tomato harvest

I got really excited a few months ago when a grocery store came into the town 30-minutes from me–the town I have to travel to if I don’t want to buy groceries at Dollar General (I didn’t know that was even a thing until I moved here). Walmart and one other grocery store was all that I had to choose from, and I knew this third option was supposed to be a “discount” grocery store.

I walked in, grabbed a cart, and walked in like a boss. Smiling, chin up, and with a saunter behind that shiny new metal box on wheels. I walked down the first aisle. And the second. And the third. Then I jumped to the outskirts, because I hadn’t found anything to put in my cart yet, and the outskirt is where the healthy food is supposed to be, right?

Eggs. Milk. Cheese. That is literally all I could find of “real” food in the store. So I put eggs in my cart. And a brick of cheese in the cart. I didn’t even know what was in the boxes that lined every shelf in the store from top to bottom. I’d never eaten or bought these instant-type meals before. So, I picked up a box. It had preservatives that are in skincare (I know, because I avoid those things on my skin). It had plastics. Why are there plastics in our food? And WHY were other people putting these things in their carts? I was confused. And shocked. So I ran full speed ahead when I saw a gentleman pick up the unsuspecting box with no living food in it, knocked it out of his hands, pointed through my breathlessness at the ingredient list, and then he thanked me profusely before I checked out and left. Okay, the last part didn’t happen. But I did check my cheese and eggs out, and I never returned.

How did we get from eating real food, to preparing cheap boxes of who knows what, and not only buying it, but eating it and thinking that is normal? How did living food become a luxury, something we have to be intentional about, something we have to think about, something we have to begrudgingly force ourselves to incorporate into our lives and put in our bodies–our living, breathing bodies?!

Real, live, raw foods contain enzymes that our bodies need, prebiotics, minerals, vitamins, fiber…really, really important building blocks for health and life. Raw vegetable/fruit diets are researched to literally cure all sorts of problems, including cancer. So why aren’t we eating hardly any raw foods? Maybe because we see it as time consuming, expensive, and difficult. I’m not perfect at this, but man, am I trying! Here are some ideas to help make it easier, more accessible, and more interesting for us all.

  • Just do it. Literally, just make yourself start adding salads, veggie sticks, and whole fruits into your meals and snacks.
  • Change the shape of what you’re eating. Scrape down one end of a carrot to turn it into a point–your kids will love you. Julienne your summer squashes, cucumbers, or carrots (Pampered Chef sells a handy dandy julienne peeler). Put your summer squash through a spiralizer. Thinly slice your onions. So many options! Just changing the density and shape can make vegetables more appealing to eat.
  • Add herbs and spices. You’d be amazed at what some butter or ghee, and rosemary, thyme, basil, and garlic can do to fresh or frozen peas. Not only that, but they had nutritional and medicinal value to your food!
  • Brown butter with a single fresh herb and pour that over lightly cooked veggies. A winter squash with 4 TBS browned butter/8 thinly sliced fresh sage leaves is FAST to make, and tastes DELICIOUS.
  • Do monthly or weekly cooking and freeze things. While you’re at it, dice up veggies and freeze them together, too. It’ll make a fast and easy go to for topping pizzas, making omelets, and more.
  • Juice. You can pack A. LOT. of fresh fruits and veggies into a glass of juice. Mix and match or follow recipes.

Remember–cook your fruits and veggies as little as possible to retain as much nutritional value as possible. Get creative. Don’t let it sit in your fridge and rot. And just. do. it.

20 Non-Facebook Ways to Market your Business

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Business-Marketing.jpg

With today’s society, most of direct sales marketing information is geared toward reaching a crowd on Facebook. You’ve probably also noticed that Facebook is THE place where all of your friends (on Facebook, anyway) seem to be marketing THEIR businesses! (Probably unsuccessfully, but the instructions on how to properly do that will have to be in another post)

…but what if you want a reach outside of Facebook algorithms? What if you want a different audience? What if your friends don’t want to be pestered all the time by your wrap, pink drink, lipstick, or the fact that you “earn money while relaxing on the beach” (and seriously, don’t say that–that’s not what you’re doing, and not the type of entrepreneurs owners you want to attract in your downline). What if…gasp…you don’t have a Facebook account?!

Then, this. This is what you do.

20 Non-Facebook Ways to Market your Business

  1. Lead capture pages
  2. Email list
  3. Regular mail list
  4. Newsletter
  5. Text list (special offers and graphics)
  6. Blog
  7. Pinterest
  8. Zoom online meetings (app)
  9. Displays at local businesses
  10. YouTube tutorials
  11. Vlog (video blog)
  12. Instagram
  13. Offering online classes
  14. Local flyers
  15. Job fairs, Health expos, Women’s event booths (tailor events to your company)
  16. Business cards with samples or coupons
  17. Customer referral program
  18. Customer punch card
  19. Trading parties with consultants from other companies
  20. Giveaway lead-generating contests

 

Let us know what other non-Facebook marketing ideas you have used in the comments!

 

Image used in this blog post was found at http://www.cibc-bc.com/

100% Natural Makeup and Skincare for Crunchy Moms

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Unless you’ve been browsing my blog pages or Facebook, you won’t know what I’ve been up to the last two months. In May, I was approached about a natural company that was getting ready to launch, and who was going to be focused on 100% natural skincare and makeup that was Certified Toxic-Free (third party certifications are a big deal, because then you know if what the company is saying about their products is true or not!), gluten-free, animal-cruelty free, vegan Skincare line, and specifically designed to be safe for children.KMSO free of.jpg

I thought it sounded interesting, because, you know, my whole gig is natural living in the real world. And…I was wanting to change up my makeup routine to something better for my skin, because even the “natural” companies I own products from aren’t really all that natural when you understand the ingredients! (Don’t get me started…) So I wanted to get this makeup and try it out.

And guess what.

It’s awesome. I’ve never had such full coverage for foundation. The eye shadows shimmer and blend SO nicely because they are loose powder. The blush can be used on my cheeks and my lips. Actually, EVERYTHING can be used in multiple ways, so I don’t

Rachel Selfie

Me, wearing KMSO makeup

need a bazillion different products to create whatever look I want. And my adult acne has finally cleared up. Who would have thought? Not me, because I thought I had good quality more-natural products before. TOTALLY natural has been a game changer for me.

One of the first times I wore the makeup, I worked in my garden for hours afterward. The sun was blazing hot, and I was drenched–like dripping and maybe went swimming look–kind of drenched. And you know what? My look was still on. My only sun protection was that mineral makeup, and you know what? I didn’t burn (it naturally has about a 15-20spf).

It’s been played in, swam in, turned into face paint, turned into nail polish, and shared across the US with a waiting list for my Caribbean and Canadian friends right now. Because it is actually what the company says it is. Two months of using the skincare and makeup every day (every day that I wear makeup, anyway, which is turning out to be a lot more often than before because it’s so fast and simple to apply, and I actually feel good about what’s on my skin for once).

Alison Brianna

Breanna, wearing KMSO makeup

Two months of sharing it with anyone else who is looking for a truly natural, healthy, and safe option. And I’m appreciating it and what it’s doing for me more and more every day.

Keep Me Safe Organics, thank you for finally making a 100% natural line of skincare and makeup that I can trust. It’s about time we had something without GMO’s, gluten, toxins, nano particles, coated particles, or even packaged in bottles without BPA. Another mom came up with the idea for Keep Me Safe after catching her toddler playing in her makeup, and I get it. I get it.

We all want simpler living. We all want safer products for ourselves and our families. But it isn’t until we know what the better options are, that we can take them and make those changes. Know better, do better. We’re all in this together. ❤

 

Tools for Helping Your Children with Emotions

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As a Recreation Therapist and mom to a child with intense emotional challenges, I am a huge advocate of using play based tools to help children understand, process, and appropriately respond to their emotions. Not only is this helpful for the child and those surrounding that child, but it also goes hand in hand with identifying and appropriately responding to the emotions that others are expressing. Here are my four steps to helping children with their emotions, and the tools you need to do so.

  1. Give the emotions a name. Identification is the first step in properly expressing our own emotions, and in having empathy toward the emotions of others. Resource – My Big Barefoot Book of Wonderful Words has an awesome two-page spread that covers a huge variety of emotions so that your child can identify what he or she, or another person may be feeling.childrens-feelings-question-from-bfboc
  2. Work through scenarios, and practice expressing how YOU feel. Children naturally do this through play, particularly through imaginative play like with a dollhouse and dolls. Resource– Create A Story Cards is a beautiful deck of 46 picture cards. It’s an award winning product that has endless possibilities for you to create “social stories” (a therapeutic term that basically means you tell your child or client a story that models the appropriate action that you want them to exhibit in real life), and also for your child to work through their own scenarios, or to be guided with your help through scenarios involving complex emotions or reactions to situations.
  3. Practice working with others. This opens up communication, helps build respechoot-owl-hoott of others, and literally builds the skill of working in cooperation with others. Resource– there are MANY cooperative games on the Barefoot Books website. Pick a topic that interests your children (there is everything from Dinosaurs and Owls, to Chickens and Mermaids available!), and let them play with these cooperative games. They will quickly learn to respect and help each other through the game, because either everyone wins or loses…together!
  4. Target specific emotions. I like to keep a variety of books on hand so that we already have resources available for when they are needed in dealing with specific emotions. You can use these as they are, or as a starter for discussions, activities, and further processing.
    1. Anger – Emily’s Tiger
    2. Grief – The Tear Thief
    3. Being different – The Elephants’ Ears
    4. Fear – A Dragon on the Doorstep
    5. Loneliness – Sand Sister
    6. Selfishness – The Parrot Tico Tango (a singalong about sharing), Ruby’s Baby Brother (about bringing a new sibling into the family), One City, Two Brothers (putting others before yourself), and a lot more once you start digging through the site!
    7. Contentment – The Blue Bird’s Palace

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Disclaimer: this post contains affiliate links at no additional cost to you, but that purchasing through helps me to be able to continue to bring you great content and to buy the occasional ice cream cone for my children. The opinions and professional recommendations are all mine, and I stand behind them 200%. 🙂 

8 Days of Messianic Hanukkah Devotions with FREE printables!

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messianic-hanukkah-devosHanukkah is almost here! It’s a time that our family looks forward to for the fun, the depth, the traditions, the history, the learning, the celebrating, and the honor to God that it brings. Who wouldn’t want to do all of these things for 8 days?!

Whether you grew up celebrating The Festival of Lights, or if this will be your first year, my hope is that you will be blessed and that your preparation will be made easier with the 8 Days of Messianic Hanukkah Devotions here. It is the devotions that I have put together and tweaked over the last few years that my own family uses every night of Hanukkah. It will teach you the history of the holiday, provide Internet links to crafts, activities, videos, and more (all free!), and even provide questions for reflection each night.

The themes that it covers are–

Day 1 Theme: God protects and provides for those who persevere in honoring Him and who fight for justice

Day 2 Theme: why we light the hanukkiah (menorah)

Day 3 Theme: Jehovah Tsidkenu — the Lord of Justice and Rightousness

Day 4 Theme: even a single candle defeats the darkness

Day 5 Theme: God wants us to remember His history

Day 6 Theme: sanctifying our Temple

Day 7 Theme: there is hope for our future

Day 8 Theme: what others have meant for evil, God has meant for good

There are three basic things you will need. The first, is a menorah and candles, the second is to download the Hanukkah Readings and Prayers document* and the third is to download the PDF copy of our 8 Days of Messianic Hanukkah Devotions Outline. Both of these documents are FREE for you!

Happy Hanukkah!

 

*please note that I created this document from copy-and-pasting Biblical passages, and what I assume are prayers from Chabad.com years ago. I don’t remember who authored any of it, what versions of the Bible I used, or who created the artwork I put in. I created it for the use of my family, and didn’t think ahead about sharing it with others! No harm is intended, but if you authored any of it, let me know and I’ll gladly credit your information to you. 🙂 

Weekend Sale on the Barefoot Book of Children!

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book-of-children

The popular Barefoot Book of Children is on sale this weekend! Grab a discounted copy quick–the sale ends at 8:59am EST on Monday, 12/12/2016! Shipping in time for the holidays is still available, and if you are a parent or teacher, you need this book in your library. I was blessed to receive a copy for free when I became a Barefoot Books Ambassador , and I highly recommend it for every home and classroom.

It’s so important to have literature like this available to your children, because it is diverse and inclusive. Children start to develop prejudices by the age of two-years-old, and one of the ways to help them develop empathy and cultural appreciation is to give them access to inclusive and diverse literature. It doesn’t get easier, more appropriate, or more beautiful than this book!

Inside the hard cover, there are beautiful illustrations from around the world, showing all types of work, living, families, and ways of life in a respectful and appropriate manner. In the back, there are 15 pages of educational end notes! My kids love this book and I am continually having to wipe of residue from the back from sticky fingers because they feel the need to “read” it all the time.

Perfect for ages 3-10, you can read the full description, look inside, and get your copy by clicking here.

Happy Holidays!

How to use essential oils safely during labor and birth

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rachel-pregnant-belly

I have such a passion for birth and postpartum. I’ve had the privilege of giving birth to my own children, two via waterbirths where I was able to catch my babies myself, and the last via a home birth, and I have also been able to be the lone person assisting two mothers during their births while working as a paramedic.

As an herbalist, certified doula, Sacred Pregnancy Mini Retreat instructor, and  traditional postpartum care provider, I feel that providing expecting mamas with the information on using herbs and essential oils to assist them from pregnancy through motherhood is extremely valuable. I also believe that it is of the utmost importance that women are instructed on the correct and safe use of herbs and essential oils during these times, especially.

Unfortunately, there is much incorrect information available via the Internet and even printed books, which can cause both harm and a lack of proper effect for the women using these methods. Hence, where I come in! This is the first of what will be a series of educational pieces devoted specifically to pregnancy, birthing, and postpartum to help you know exactly how to safely and effectively use natural plant based tools to assist your well being as you grow little humans, bring them into the world, and then help your own body re-balance itself to a non-pregnant state.

Using essential oils safely during labor and birth

  1. You CAN use essential oils to assist you during labor and birth! Knowing which ones are safe, and how to safely use them is the key here. Having a basic understanding of how they work during pregnancy and birthing is important, so that you don’t get into a situation that you don’t want to be in. Before you begin using essential oils, it’s important to educate yourself on the basics. I offer a free class that is free to the first 100 participants on both Essential Oils AND Herbs– click here to sign up! All information from here on out in this article assumes that you have taken my Essential Oils and Herbs 101 Course or that you have equivalent knowledge. 🙂
  2. Prepare your oils and blends before hand, label them, and have them in your birth bag. My top three essential oil targets are: a labor support blend (overall support for pain, nausea, and emotional stamina), a stalled labor blend (to help things progress if your body is ready), and a bleeding reduction blend (to be used prior to birth, but that can also be applied postpartum).
  3. Work with your care provider. Find someone that is knowledgeable about using natural methods to support labor, and listen to them.
  4. There are various ways to administer essential oils. During labor and birthing, the only ways that I recommend would be topically (diluted appropriately), and on a cloth that the mother can hold near her face to smell (or via personal inhaler).
  5. Do not put oils in the birthing water. Why? Because you don’t want essential oils to directly contact the baby during birth, and you don’t want to risk experiencing a dermal irritation yourself. A great alternative to this, if approved by your care provider, is a sachet of herbs in your bath water.
  6. Do not diffuse oils in the birthing room. Why? Because you don’t want to risk that one of your care providers is sensitive to the oils you are diffusing, and you also don’t want to put yourself in a position that you cannot have the scent removed from you if YOU become irritated by it. When pregnant, it’s common to become nauseous by things that didn’t used to make you ill, and it’s also common to find a particular scent helpful one moment, but not helpful the next. Do not put yourself in a position that you can’t get away from the essential oil if you need to. Using a personal inhaler, or putting the oil on a cloth and holding it near your face so you can breathe it in gives you the benefit of those oils, and also gives you the control to be able to remove the oils from yourself if you need to. Additionally, you don’t want a newborn exposed to essential oils in the air as it can cause respiratory problems.
  7. Do not apply essential oils to neonates or newborns. They do not have the ability to process substances like older humans do yet, and they are at increased risk of dermal irritation and organ sensitivity, as well as respiratory irritation and problems. Essential oils are extremely powerful–that’s why they work so quickly and completely! Imagine your liver not being able to process everything yet, and having those molecules built up in you that you can’t handle! When you apply an essential oil to the skin, it has been shown to penetrate every cell in the body in about 20 minutes, and is detectable in the bloodstream only 22 seconds after application. Wait until your children are older to use essential oils on them. \
  8. You CAN use essential oils on yourself after birth to support you during your third stage of labor (placenta delivery) and in the immediate postpartum stage (to reduce bleeding, assist with pain, help your hormones and emotions balance, etc.). Just be sure to not apply on areas of your body that your newborn’s face would be near.

I hope that these guidelines are helpful as you prepare for the birth of your baby, and that you can walk into your birth room with confidence!

Join our private Facebook group for more information, tips, and recipes for pregnancy and postpartum at http://tinyurl.com/holisticmamas.

DIY Black Drawing Salve Recipe

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Black Drawing Salve is a must have for your home First Aid kit. It’s an awesome herbal product that has a rich history of being used to “draw” things out of the body. The ingredients give it detoxification properties, so it can be used any time that you feel the need to detoxify or draw out something from the body. Safe for all ages and conditions, it is applied to the skin, covered with a bandage to keep it on and from staining clothing. I like to reapply every twelve hours or so until the condition is improved and the body restored to its normal balance.

As for how easy this is to make, I would say that it’s an intermediate herbal project because it requires multiple steps. Even if you haven’t made anything with herbs or essential oils before, this can be a great place to start and will teach you multiple things about making your own natural body care products!

Ingredients
2 TBS Beeswax
3 TBS Cocoa Butter
3 TBS Shea Butter
2 TBS Olive Oil infused with Calendula, Plantain, and Comfrey Root (I will post instructions for making herbal infused oil tomorrow!)
1 TBS vitamin E oil
1 TBS Honey Powder
2 TBS Activated Charcoal Powder
3 TBS Rhassoul Clay
20 drops Lavender Essential Oil (find out how to order the pure and safe essential oil I buy at wholesale prices in http://tinyurl.com/holisticmamas)

Instructions
Put all oils and beeswax together, and melt over medium-high heat until melted. Let it sit (burner off) and cool, but not to point that it’s hardening–generally about 15 minutes. If it starts to harden, just reheat until it’s all liquid again. Add the rest of the ingredients except the Lavender essential oil, and stir well. Lastly, when the mixture is not so hot that it will burn you, but when it’s not so cold that it’s solidifying, add the Lavender essential oil and pour into jars to cool for several hours.

To use, slab enough of the Drawing Salve to create a thick paste on the spot that you want it to work on. Cover it with a bandage to keep it on and to keep it from staining your clothing. Reapply as needed. For external use only. Do not apply to broken skin.

We buy our herbs and butters, etc. from Mountain Rose Herbs . We would love if you would use our link to purchase yours too, as this helps us keep bringing you great content for free! To find out where we buy our pure, therapeutic essential oils at wholesale price, you can contact us directly or join our free  holistic Facebook community.

Let us know how this recipe worked for you, and what you’re using it for!

DIY Summertime Perfect Bath Bombs (LUSH inspired)

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It took a few disastrous tries to perfect my bath bomb recipe. I had bomb explosions as my bombs grew…and grew…and grew…in the hours that I left them to try. A few recipes and my own tweeks later (plus a few hours invested in bath time chemistry), *I’ve got it.* An all natural, big, luxurious bath bomb that not only looks good and smells good, but is therapeutic, as well.

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Oh, and they’re hard-as-a-rock. Which, if you’ve already tried making bath bombs, you know that is the holy grail of bath bomb making. Now, before you assume following this recipe will also give you hard-as-a-rock bombs, know that the experience of recipes seem to differ in various geographical locations and also on the humidity level of the day you make your bombs. So if this doesn’t work at first for you, consider that, and make your own tweeks until you also have a perfect hard-as-a-rock recipe. But, of course, I want to know if *this* was also your perfect recipe, too, so let me know in the comments after you make them!

Ingredients:

3 cups Sodium Bicarbonate (baking soda)
1.5 cups Citric Acid
1/4 cup Cornstarch
4 TBS Coconut Oil
2 TBS Cream of Tarter
1 TBS Raw Mango Butter
80 drops Essential Oil Blend of (adjust if you use different oils than I’m using- note that using a different amount, blend, or brand may lead to a different result for your bath bombs, and the therapeutic benefit will also be different): Wild Orange Peel, Lemon Peel, Grapefruit Peel, Mandarin Peel, Bergamot Peel, Tangerine Peel, Clementine Peel essential oils and Vanilla Bean Absolute. This is not 80 drops of each of these oils–I am using a bottle of an essential oil blend that ALREADY blended these various oils into the perfect ratio, and I use 80 drops total out of the bottle. To find out where I get this exact essential oil blend I used for these bombs, to ask questions about this recipe, or to learn more about the ingredients, join my private holistic learning Facebook group at http://tinyurl.com/holisticmamas.

*other ingredients can be purchased through Mountain Rose Herbs (affiliate link-thank you for supporting me so I can bring you more great content!).

Instructions:

  1. Mix all dry ingredients together in a bowl.
  2. Heat coconut oil and mango butter until just melted.
  3. Stir essential oils into the melted oils mixture.
  4. Mix melted oils into the dry ingredients until well combined.
  5. Overfill each half of the bath bomb mold, pack mold together as tightly as possible. Tap outisdes of mold before separating (some people tap with a spoon, I just use my fingers so I don’t dent my mold).
  6. Place bath bomb on a dry surface to fully harden (may take hours or two days, depending on your humidity level).

To use, fill a bathtub (or a bucket if you just want to soak your feet), drop the bomb in, and enjoy the magic! Be careful getting in and out of the tub as it may be slippery. Also, use sunscreen or avoid direct sunlight for about 12 hours after using this bath bomb as the essential oils in it can make you more sensitive to sunlight. This is safe for older children and adults to use. If you experience a skin sensitivity, immediately discontinue use and wipe affected area with a carrier oil until irritation subsides, then wash with water and soap.

bath bombs2

Benefits:

Obviously, this is going to smell like Heaven, feel super soft on your skin, and nourish your body with the coconut oil, mango butter, and baking soda! The essential oil blend I used is of particular interested because it both cleanses and purifies, but it also impacts your emotional state. It helps reduce stress, uplift your mood, and has energizing and refreshing properties. You can see why I call this my “Summertime” bath bomb!

Since you are now going to be addicted to therapeutic bath bomb making, please do the following things to connect with me so I can teach you more and support you on your journey:

  1. Subscribe to our mailing list! I’ll be using that list to mail everyone my free Holistic Mothering e-course once I finish it!
  2. Join our private group: http://tinyurl.com/holisticmamas
  3. Take my Essential Oils and Herbs 101 Course. It’s online, go-at-your-own-pace, and I currently offer it for free. It’s very important to me that I help you know the most effective and SAFE ways to use essential oils and herbs in your every day life, and this course is where it begins at! Find the link under our “Education” tab.
  4. Have you liked us on Facebook already? Keep up with us! http://facebook.com/lifemoresimplyblog and http://facebook.com/blessedmamaservices
  5. Have you subscribed to our blog in your reader or email? This is different than our mailing list, and you will only get our actual blog posts. Sign up at the top right of this page!

NOTE: this recipe is for personal use ONLY. If you wish to use this recipe in any money-making way (selling the bath bombs created with this recipe, including but not limited to the basic recipe without or with using different essential oils; also, if you are teaching others in any way how to make bath bombs using this recipe), please contact me at lifemoresimply@yahoo.com about obtaining a business-use recipe permit.

FDA disclaimer: the statements made in this blog post are not evaluated or approved by the FDA. Nothing in this post is meant to substitute medical advice and is only meant to be educational. Always consult your doctor in regards to medical needs or changes.

The 10 Facebook Personalities

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Facebook.jpg

With the number of people who regularly post on Facebook accounts, you would think that the World of Facebook would be full of posts as unique and diverse as the people posting them. Somehow, though, when people use Facebook, they tend to meld into one of ten Facebook Personalities. Start pinpointing your friends now.

10. The Narcissist. These people comment more than they post statuses. You can spot them because they reply to…a lot of other statuses…and comments…but the responses are always about them, not really too much about the person or the topic of the original post. You post a story? They have a story. You post a question? They have an answer. And a story to go with it. You have a problem? They have had that problem before–and either have a solution or were a big enough martyr to suffer through it. Better than you will, obviously.

9. The Pray-er. This person is actually a gossiper in disguise, and now they are offended because I just called them out. This is the person who posts things like “just saw a lot of red lights going down Main St. I’m praying for those involved. Does anyone know what happened?” or “Passed an accident on 89. Three cars involved, it looked really bad. I hope it wasn’t anyone I know. Praying.” or, one of my favorites, “the power went off at 3am this morning and was off for half an hour. Does anyone know why? Praying it wasn’t anything bad.”

8. The Spy. She doesn’t ever post, except for a few times a year when she updates everyone with photos of her children…and then surprises everyone when a new one is added and we didn’t even know she was pregnant. But she logs on. And looks through everyone else’s post, so stealth like that you forget she even exists. But she is watching you.

7. The Gamer. I don’t really know if you can call them “gamers” (Gamers will probably be mad at this title), but you already know who it is. The person who clearly can’t have a steady job because all of their time is spent sending you Farmville and Candy Crush requests. Even if you don’t play those games. Just. Stop.

6. The Hater. They hate everything, everyone, and don’t give a hoot about who wants to be their friend on Facebook. The honesty is refreshing though, and makes us laugh, so we keep them as our friend because “liking” their posts is kind of like giving ourself a hug since we obviously aren’t standing alone on whatever topic it may be.

5. The Jack-In-The-Box. He always lets us know that Facebook is too depressing or overwhelming, so he is going to take a hiatus from it for a while to compose and refresh his spirit. Or he’s become addicted to it and needs a time-out. You probably won’t notice he’s gone…until he’s back and posts the same thing about leaving again.

4. The Complainer. Life is always crappy. Bad things are always happening. The last three Go Fund Me’s that they posted didn’t amount to anything. This person generally has grammar and spelling difficulties, and it’s like one of those painful situations where you want to look away but you JUST CAN’T. So you watch. And sometimes comment, but your ideas never work. They’ve already tried them. Already failed. Just like everything else in life. Stop asking for ideas, Complainer. Stop asking.

3. The Model (Wanna Be). Selfie. After selfie. After selfie. Probably with some cleavage, taken from a higher angle to give a slimming effect, and probably filtered. Sometimes, they’ll put a kid into the photo to try to throw us off. Nice try. Didn’t work.

2. The Hustler. Except, they aren’t very good at hustling, because they’re still advertising their MLM business to their Facebook population–of which probably 10% only actually see their posts, and half of them have figured out how to tell Facebook to stop showing them Plexus, It Works, and Young Living posts. But who cares? It’s nice to know that some people have been saved from all the problems in their life, and are making seemingly big money while–as they say–just wearing a t-shirt and posting on Facebook. Seems to be against all business strategies (like target marketing and hard work) that I was taught in college, but what do I know. It’s not sad until you realize they are only “friends” with you to sell you something. Every day. In every post. And in every private message. Yay me…

1. And lastly, the favorite of us all…The Lister. They let us know when they got up, how they slept, what coffee mug they used (with photo), the chores they accomplished, what’s for lunch (complete with photo and recipe), when they’re going shopping, where they’re going shopping, what deals they found and how much they spent, what their child’s attitude/accomplishments/clothing/struggles/poop looked like during the day, how many minutes it’s been since they saw their husband, what time dinner’s on the table (complete with photo, unless they’re too burned out to admit they really had frozen pizza), which TV show they’re watching after dinner (and what happened in it), which brand of wine is in their wine glass, their nighttime makeup removal routine (only if we’re lucky enough that day), and then a specific “Goodnight, Facebook!” post to let us know that they will be gone for a few hours, or until they wake up during the night to check on Facebook again and let the world know they’re having trouble sleeping.

…except, everyone reading this thinks you’re the normal one out of your Facebook friends, right? Ask your friends–which one are YOU?!

Facebook Personalities